Youth Ministry-- What MUST Die (Cont.)

*If you haven't read "Youth Ministry-- What MUST Die" please do so before continuing*

I agree with Mark Oestreicher and Mark Driscoll when they talk about belonging. Mark O. wrote a quick article in Group Magazine recently about the new Youth Cultures needs and at the top of the list is belonging. Mark Driscoll in his book The Radical Reformission discusses how the old pattern of evangelism was: " Know Jesus, then belong" but today we need a new way or "Reformission" as Mark calls is that looks like this: "Belong, then know Jesus".

Killing the old way of evangelism and adopting what I am calling "pre-evangelism" does just that: allows the teen to BELONG first. This is what they need and this is how Jesus did ministry.

Take a look at the story of Zacheus for example. He belonged to no one. He was a Jew who stole from Jews by working for the Romans. He wasn't a Roman but a dirty Jew. He had no one to claim him. One day, as he's fighting to see Jesus, he climbs a tree. Jesus walks by and gives him immediate belonging. He invites himself over for lunch! While already belonging with Jesus, just being with him in relationship causes Zacheus to change. He (during the meal with Jesus) tells how he's going to give back all he's stolen.

Take another look at a different story. The woman caught in adultery. The men drag her out of the bedroom where she was committing adultery (why didn't they grab the man too??), throw her before Jesus and demand justice. This woman has no belonging. She is unloved and unwanted by everyone. She is just a whore to the world. Jesus protects, defends and loves her and in an instant gives her belonging. After all her "haters" walk away, then Jesus tells her to leave her life of sin.

The stories go on and on about how Jesus used this type of evangelism; the woman at the well received belonging just by Jesus breaking a couple "cultural barriers". The list is numerous all making the same point that Christ didn't always have a huge crowd to preach to, he simply brought Himself to people, went to parties and was present and that was enough.

This change in outreach is by no way easy. It wasn't for me. I constantly questioned is this the right way Lord? Am I blaspheming? I always struggled with giving a quick "Jesus talk" or not during an event. I also got blow back from the Church parents and rightfully so. It was then I deeply studied how Jesus did ministry and was confirmed within my spirit from His that this was the right course for this time. I shared this with the parents in my ministry and some of my biggest critics became my biggest cheerleaders. It took a year and a half to get my Church kids seeing the value in it and then owning it. It put a lot of pressure on the kids that knew Christ. They had to step up and decide to truly live Christ-centered lives...and they did! They stepped up and owned it, as did my leaders. So, don't hear me saying this is a cake walk...but it is needed.

I am thankful for Mark O. and Mark D. for hearing God's voice on these issues and then writing about them. I've been practicing these principles before I read their books, but God has confirmed again through them that this is a good, new, necessary path for Youth Ministry.

Thanks Guys!

Youth Ministry-- What MUST Die

I've been in Youth Ministry as a student, leader and now pastor for 13 years. I've experienced tons, both as a student and as a leader. I've seen things work and things fail. I've done some amazing things that students loved and I've done some stupid things that students hated. I've also noticed a shift in ministry. Many have talked about the depth of the change such as MarkOstreicher in his book: Youth Ministry 3.0, Andrew Root in his book: Revisiting Relational Youth Ministry and Mark DeVries in his book: Sustainable Youth Ministry. All of which give amazing insight on what we need to do as Youth Ministries to shift with this change.

Once such change we need to make is the way we approach Outreach. There's a new buzzword: "Pre-Evangelism" that I've been implementing into my Youth Ministry. It may not be a buzzword anywhere else, but here in NY it works. It has worked so well, that I've seen many students come to Christ through this effort. I will share one students story so you can see the effect I'm talking about. But before, I want to define it for you.

Most outreach events look like this: BIG event, where we encourage all of our teens to invite other non-church teens. Sometimes we trick them into bringing more non-churched friends by saying things like: if you bring 5 or more friends your name will be put into a raffle to win an iPod (not a good idea BTW, I'll discuss this later). So, we have all these new teens we try to impress by our BIG event. We have an over-abundance of food, prizes and fun activities. THEN, it happens. We have a worship time and a speaker (as big a speaker as our budget will allow) and he tells these heathen kids about Jesus and how they need to be saved.

This approach has worked in the past! I'm not saying it was never effective, but now it isn't. Many people asked me why I think this is ineffective. Here's why: it comes off as disingenuous, fake and scam-like. Teens were invited by their friends who didn't want to really bring them but wanted and iPod (that's why it's bad), some of these teens were extra "add-ons" by the people who invited them so they could meet the 5 person quota (another reason why the raffle thing is a bad idea). Then it was marketed to these "friends" as a BIG event with tons of fun. When they get to the event, they feel tricked, because no one mentioned a time of worship or a speaker. These teens are so put off by the trickery of it, they tune out the speaker and never want to come back to your group. Do kids come to know Christ this way? YES! Is there a better way to not only bring them into the Kingdom, but to get them closer to Jesus? YES!

The "Pre-Evangelism" approach would be a similar event (or a simple movie night, x-Box tourney or the like), without the 5 friend quota raffle and without the worship and speaker time. You are probably thinking: "take out Jesus? Take him out of the equation? Are you nuts? That's blasphemy!"

The thing is this: the friends that were invited are going to be closer friends to the teens doing the inviting. These teens then walk through the doors of a safe-God centered place and feel comfortable. They don't feel tricked. They then go away with a good time all the while hanging out with Christians. This type of event breaks the stigma that all Christians are boring freaks. And Jesus is NOT out of the equation, because the friends that brought them are Jesus-Followers who are now demonstrating how to have a good time, while being Jesus-Like.

This then gives this teen a RELATIONSHIP with You, the other Youth Group teens and the church itself. That teen now trusts you and WILL come back.

The student I mentioned earlier came to a movie night...where we JUST watched a movie. He realized that this place was safe, the students liked him, talked to him and encouraged him to come back to regular youth group where they told him about the talk time so he wouldn't be surprised (This is key! They need to know if they come back what they will experience). HE CAME BACK! He felt so loved and comfortable that he said he couldn't NOT come back. He began engaging with the talk time, asking questions about faith, love and Jesus. He began reading the Bible, doing devotions and seeking God on his own! His family didn't like him coming because they are strong Catholics and they were noticing a change in their boy. YET HE CAME BACK! He loved baseball and his parents gave him an choice: Youth Group or baseball. He CHOSE YOUTH GROUP! That one event changed this kids life and all we did was create a safe environment for him to come and be loved on. He has since given his life to Christ and felt a call to Ministry!

He's only one story out of many in our ministry who has been effected by this "pre-evangelism" approach. It's intentional relationship building. It's authentic, upfront and meaningful. We need to kill the trickery that goes into evangelism...teens see through it and despise being tricked. They desire authentic people, not phonies and when we "trick them into Jesus" they feel lied to and it perpetuates the churches name of being "phony" even if we had the best intentions.

Remember, this "pre-evangelism" event can be a simple movie night, bowling night, or basketball night. It doesn't have to be big budget stuff. You could plan it for next week even. I truly believe that in order to see un-churched teens walking through our doors, we need to change the way we do things. This is just one simple change in outreach approach that I've seen go a long way for both our churched teens and un-churched teens!

The Ugliest Thing

Dear Friend,
Let me tell you a simple truth. Divorce is indeed ugly, it is not fun, it is not freeing it is ugly. I know what you're going through, I've been there and lived it...actually to say "lived" is the wrong word because in fact I LIVE it. It is ugly because for the rest of our lives, it is lived by us and all who've been affect by this, the ugliest thing.

Your wounding is much more recent, so let me tell you I understand. You feel alone, abandoned, cheated and pissed off. These are all REAL feelings. They are OK to feel. In fact this event has cheated you. However, you are not alone, because God is with you and I am here for you.

You may also feel as if there maybe something you can do to repair the breach within the walls of your parents marriage. You feel as if this, the ugliest thing was somehow your doing and if you stay "good enough" (or "bad enough") that they your parents will have to come back together either to reward you, or to reprimand you. My friend, this is all untrue. It isn't your fault and there is nothing you can do for good or for ill that will repair what was done.
There are many things I wish I knew when my parents divorced. One I wished I knew was this: they will never get back together, it's over. I know that sounds harsh, mean and wrong but friend it's true. If the papers are signed and the ink is dry on the divorce papers, it is indeed over. The desire for them to get back together is NOT wrong, but the truth is that it is over.

Second thing I wish I knew is this simple truth: This loss MUST be GRIEVED. What has happened is awful, ugly and humanly UNNATURAL. People will tell you that it's going to be OK, you will get over this and one day life will be normal again. Friend, life will "seem" normal, but the fact will always remain that the deed is done, so PLEASE grieve this loss. Sadly the church is the WORST at dealing with these types of things. We don't try to do this but we do; we say things like: "It'll all work out when God wants it to", "God's in control", "God can use this for good", "He {God} will use this as a testimony". All of which are true enough...YET they are used in uncaring, un-explained ways that end up sounding cold, dead and meaningless. You see, people within the church don't know how to deal with pain, so when serious pain erupts, we use "pat" answers, instead of simply saying: "It's OK not to be OK, feel this, grieve it and allow God to heal your brokenness, for brokenness it is." Had I been told THAT, the lingering effects wouldn't have crept up the way they did. I thought I had to "be strong for God, so he could use this as a testimony", yet I never dealt with the trash that divorce brings. So friend, PLEASE grieve this loss, for loss it is.

Third thing I wish I knew when the ugliest thing hit is that God can uplift me and make even this disastrous thing to be used for good. You might be saying: wait a moment here, you just said that this is a pat answer. Friend for most it is just that, but the fact is that God CAN and WILL use any and every situation for good. However, to get here to this point, you must allow God to first heal you. Can God use you un-healed...of course. However, to not re-wound yourself by regurgitating a "testimony", grieve it. What that will do is make it less a "story" and more a real, connecting life. Your life will connect with others and will come off as true life rather than a memorized story that hasn't truly been felt.

Lastly, I wish I knew that even after I was healed from my pain of the divorce itself, that divorce would still run a muck in my life. You see, generally your parents get re-married, which then brings 4 "parental units" into your life rather than the 2 originals. Some step-parents are HORRIBLE and some are AMAZING. I had a mixture of both. My step-mom who married my dad in 1996 is an amazing testimony to step-parents. She loved me as her own and treated me as such. My step-dad(s) were not so cool. One abused my mom (verbally and physically), was a drunken drug addict and ended up in jail. The second was a man who hated my religious views, also drank heavily, manipulated my mother and sadly years after getting divorced from my mom was found dead in his bathtub. So friend, with that said, the effects of divorce are life-long. Your parents thought it was a "in the moment" problem, or maybe a "til they grow up" problem...but it's LIFE LONG.

God, the great healer has done tremendous work in my life and the lives of my family. So, THERE US HOPE! My mother is now walking closely with the Lord and has two wonderful friends that love her. My brother is a Youth Pastor/Seminary Student, My Sister is an amazing counselor married to a Youth Pastor/Engineer. My dad and step-mom are happily married and are in ministry together...

We are all still MESSED up people. However, we are all HEALED and being HEALED by our Great God. Allow Him to go deep into your woundedness and heal you my friend, trust me when I say: You'll be so glad you did!

Teens and Sexting

Teens and sexuality has been a topic for decades. The latest fad of teen sexual expression has been a fad that has been around for at least 2 years. SEXTING. I've been talking about this issue with my youth leaders for well over a year, and the problem has only grown. With the ease of text messaging, we've seen teens flocking to texting. You can text in school and not get caught, texting plans can be cheaper than regular plans and teens seem to do all of their communication in 140 characters or less. Sexting is the sending nude or semi-nude photos of oneself via text messaging. A way of having "safe sex" via texting if you will. This lie of it being safe has been one of the many reasons why teens have been sucked into it.

Being a Youth Pastor, I'm not naive enough to think my students are doing it...in fact I would guess that at least 10% have done it or have seen it done (that is a MODEST estimation).

With the inception of text-plans, sexting has increased dramatically and sadly it is a fad that has only increased in appeal and use.

You may have heard of Vanessa Hudgens sending nude photos of herself to her boyfriend via e-mail...that event in my mind served as a huge catalyst that only PERPETUATED this problem. In fact I would argue that her decision to do that opened the doors of young teen girls everywhere to thinking it's OK. Here a young TV/movie star, sending out nude photos of herself, getting publicity for it and boys across America googling her nude photo could in fact seem attractive to young teen girls who are uncomfortable in their skin, seeking the approval of boys.

The affect on teen boys and the way they relate to their girlfriends after this event is also a big issue. I can only too well hear teen boys saying: "Hey Vanessa send nude photos to her boyfriend. We've been dating a month now...if you loved me, you'd text me some too!"

I'm NOT being over-dramatic either, I'm being serious! The things that celebrities do, shapes the way teens live their lives.

I'm sad to see that teen girls are giving in and teen guys are putting pressure to sext. This will have HUGE implications on our teens in the coming future. The porn industry is probably cheering this on, because soon these boys and girls who weren't meant to see a nude body yet, will soon desire more. They will want to see girls/guys masturbating, having live sex and it will skyrocket the use of pornography in our country 10-fold. More infidelity will slowly creep into the picture, more sex, more babies and more STD's.

This is the problem we face. How can we answer these issues? What can we do to fight this battle as parents/youth leaders/ youth pastors? I think it starts with trust. Can we cultivate with these teens an atmosphere of trust where they will willingly discuss these issues with us? I think we need to dialogue with CLEAR heads about these issues. I think the worse thing to do is to sneak in and find the pictures, the ground the teen from here till eternity. It's hard to not snap and go crazy. If a teen would've said to me: "I sexted my boyfriend/girlfriend. He/she saw all of me and it was fun!" I would have the definite urge to flip-out, tell the parents, call the cops and break his/her cell phone right there! Punishment will be a NECESSARY piece to this puzzle, but dialogue is just as important if not more important. Teens need to know the dangers, implications and the future results of such behavior.

How do we do that? I want this blog to be an open forum of discussion on this. It is HUGE. How can we punish, yet dialogue about sexting and other teen sexuality problems? How can we share with teens the importance of chastity, both in the act of and in this fad of texting?

Here are some GREAT articles about sexting. Please read them so you can further your nowledge on this issue facing teens today:

http://cpyu.org/Page.aspx?id=366143

http://www.salon.com/mwt/broadsheet/2008/11/25/sexting/


PS: You can Google "sexting" and tons more articles will appear. LET'S DISCUSS!