The Ugliest Thing

Dear Friend,
Let me tell you a simple truth. Divorce is indeed ugly, it is not fun, it is not freeing it is ugly. I know what you're going through, I've been there and lived it...actually to say "lived" is the wrong word because in fact I LIVE it. It is ugly because for the rest of our lives, it is lived by us and all who've been affect by this, the ugliest thing.

Your wounding is much more recent, so let me tell you I understand. You feel alone, abandoned, cheated and pissed off. These are all REAL feelings. They are OK to feel. In fact this event has cheated you. However, you are not alone, because God is with you and I am here for you.

You may also feel as if there maybe something you can do to repair the breach within the walls of your parents marriage. You feel as if this, the ugliest thing was somehow your doing and if you stay "good enough" (or "bad enough") that they your parents will have to come back together either to reward you, or to reprimand you. My friend, this is all untrue. It isn't your fault and there is nothing you can do for good or for ill that will repair what was done.
There are many things I wish I knew when my parents divorced. One I wished I knew was this: they will never get back together, it's over. I know that sounds harsh, mean and wrong but friend it's true. If the papers are signed and the ink is dry on the divorce papers, it is indeed over. The desire for them to get back together is NOT wrong, but the truth is that it is over.

Second thing I wish I knew is this simple truth: This loss MUST be GRIEVED. What has happened is awful, ugly and humanly UNNATURAL. People will tell you that it's going to be OK, you will get over this and one day life will be normal again. Friend, life will "seem" normal, but the fact will always remain that the deed is done, so PLEASE grieve this loss. Sadly the church is the WORST at dealing with these types of things. We don't try to do this but we do; we say things like: "It'll all work out when God wants it to", "God's in control", "God can use this for good", "He {God} will use this as a testimony". All of which are true enough...YET they are used in uncaring, un-explained ways that end up sounding cold, dead and meaningless. You see, people within the church don't know how to deal with pain, so when serious pain erupts, we use "pat" answers, instead of simply saying: "It's OK not to be OK, feel this, grieve it and allow God to heal your brokenness, for brokenness it is." Had I been told THAT, the lingering effects wouldn't have crept up the way they did. I thought I had to "be strong for God, so he could use this as a testimony", yet I never dealt with the trash that divorce brings. So friend, PLEASE grieve this loss, for loss it is.

Third thing I wish I knew when the ugliest thing hit is that God can uplift me and make even this disastrous thing to be used for good. You might be saying: wait a moment here, you just said that this is a pat answer. Friend for most it is just that, but the fact is that God CAN and WILL use any and every situation for good. However, to get here to this point, you must allow God to first heal you. Can God use you un-healed...of course. However, to not re-wound yourself by regurgitating a "testimony", grieve it. What that will do is make it less a "story" and more a real, connecting life. Your life will connect with others and will come off as true life rather than a memorized story that hasn't truly been felt.

Lastly, I wish I knew that even after I was healed from my pain of the divorce itself, that divorce would still run a muck in my life. You see, generally your parents get re-married, which then brings 4 "parental units" into your life rather than the 2 originals. Some step-parents are HORRIBLE and some are AMAZING. I had a mixture of both. My step-mom who married my dad in 1996 is an amazing testimony to step-parents. She loved me as her own and treated me as such. My step-dad(s) were not so cool. One abused my mom (verbally and physically), was a drunken drug addict and ended up in jail. The second was a man who hated my religious views, also drank heavily, manipulated my mother and sadly years after getting divorced from my mom was found dead in his bathtub. So friend, with that said, the effects of divorce are life-long. Your parents thought it was a "in the moment" problem, or maybe a "til they grow up" problem...but it's LIFE LONG.

God, the great healer has done tremendous work in my life and the lives of my family. So, THERE US HOPE! My mother is now walking closely with the Lord and has two wonderful friends that love her. My brother is a Youth Pastor/Seminary Student, My Sister is an amazing counselor married to a Youth Pastor/Engineer. My dad and step-mom are happily married and are in ministry together...

We are all still MESSED up people. However, we are all HEALED and being HEALED by our Great God. Allow Him to go deep into your woundedness and heal you my friend, trust me when I say: You'll be so glad you did!

A Swift Kick in the BUTT

Recently, I've been re-reading an amazing book titled: A Tale of Three Kings by Gene Edwards. I was told I needed to re-read it by a great friend and mentor, because he noticed that I could use the lessons the books teaches yet again. In total fairness, he's 100% correct. I was in the wrong on something and he called me out on it. I both hate and love it when he does this. I hate it because my biggest fear in life has been doing the wrong thing which stems from a need to please people, which God is also calling out of me. However, I also love it, because I know the end result of being called out on your crap will always lead to a healthier me. Which translates into a better man of God, husband, youth pastor and friend. The process of working it through can definitely be an arduous and odious task...but it is all worth it in the end.

Anyways, back to the book. I am half-way through it already (only 96 pages not a feat to be recognized) and have been challenged both in what my friend was discussing with me and in many other ways.

This quote I read the other night was a swift kick in the butt for me: "What does the world need: Gifted men, outwardly empowered? OR broken men, inwardly transformed?"

This quote rocked me in two ways: the first, I've been dealing with for about 3 years now. I like to think of myself as someone who will be big someday. I think inwardly that I'm the man, a great communicator and someone important. I want everyone to like me and when someone doesn't I brush them off as stupid, because how could the not like "this" (points to self). You may say that's horrendous, you may be appalled and I say: "I am too, that's why I'm working on it". I know I am an arrogant man who probably doesn't have talent, who needs to be smacked upside the head a couple times and realize he's small-time chump-change. This reality is a difficult one for me (I am being 100% genuine and admitting this is hard for me), because I desire to be someone of importance...even if I'm not skilled enough a piece of me hopes the world won't notice, so I can have some fun in the sun of the spotlight.

This quote rocked me, because it pinpointed the SIN, and the PROBLEM within my own heart with these desires (Jim, I hope you're reading this). I had no desire for my heart to be transformed...simply my outward gifts. I wasn't asking God: "Change my heart" and if I was it came with the end tag line of "...so I can be somebody Big someday". My desires have had nothing to do with transformation of my heart to his, but simply everything to do with being somebody.

The second way it kicked my BUTT is that it made me come to the point of saying to God: I want a broken, transformed heart for the sole purpose of being inwardly transformed. I desire what YOU want for my life, not what I want for my life.

Just so you know, I am in the process of being BROKEN...so this book and this quote are timely for me. I think my friend and mentor knew that too, thus why he told me to re-read it. My life is being flipped upside down and it's hard. However, pray with me that I will allow God to use this time to call my crap out and make my heart inwardly transformed!