Comparison, Mars Hill and Me

 

I've been listening to the podcast by CT magazine titled: The Rise and Fall of Mars Hill, and it has been stirring me deeply, bringing about my own issues with comparison. It has also helped me articulate some of the roots of my disappointment with ministry and my own estimation of my success in ministry.

I share this as both my own "grief journal" and as a man and pastor whose story I know is very similar to many fellow pastors. Mine is a story of how Teddy Roosevelt's words ring all too true: "Comparison is the thief of joy".

Read my story and at the end, I'll share takeaways for all of us in life and in ministry that can help stop our comparisons and our hero-worship of "celebrity pastors".

When I was young in ministry (21 to be exact), I idolized Mark Driscoll. I soaked up his sermons, read his books cover to cover, developed a similar preaching style, bought and tore into my ESV Study Bible, downloaded Logos, and even paid the extra $300 to have all of his (up to then) sermons in book form in my Logos library. I listened to every interview of his and began to form my theological convictions based on his.

In short, I wanted to be Mark Driscoll. I was young and fame-hungry. I compared my situation with his and continued to find myself falling underwhelmingly short of his standards. He bragged about his reading and church size often and I felt I needed to match his dedication to reading, preaching, and numeric growth. I was an associate pastor of youth in a small town denominational church. I was not a conference speaker, I hadn't written any books and I felt like an epic failure compared to Mark. 

He was 26 when he planted Mars Hill, I was at the time around 22 or 23, so I convinced myself I had time to meet Mark's standard. When talking to my wife about my future, or even my thoughts on theology, I referred to Mark as "my friend" quoting him as if he were my buddy from college. My hero worship quickly became unhealthy. When I saw people criticizing Mark early on, I came to his defense on Twitter, Facebook, and any other platform he was getting heat from. He was, in my estimation at the time an amazing man who was preaching the Bible and doing so in a relevant, attractive way. My goal in ministry was to be Mark Driscoll. I determined in my core I would do everything I could to be him. Not just be like him, but actually become a replica of Driscoll.

When I turned 26, I was a youth pastor in a mega-church in Pittsburgh, PA. I was still a fan of Mark Driscoll's and felt that I was on my way to gaining the notoriety and platform Mark had gained. I started writing my first book Pinnochio Vs. The Real Boy and just "knew" it would be a best seller and would leapfrog me into the fame and stardom I was "destined for". I even quoted Mark often in that book!  He might even read it and endorse it! So I thought. If he endorsed the book, it would skyrocket and become a super popular book. I even emailed his secretary several times seeking his endorsement...I was ignored of course. If you pick up that book of mine and have read any of Mark's books, you will note how I copied Mark's footnote style, trying to emulate him and show my own ability to read prolifically (just like Mark). 

The book failed and I was still a small, unknown, seemingly unimportant pastor in a larger church (my feelings at the time, not really my reality...except the book failing...that part was definitely true).

I felt called to plant a College Church at the University of Pittsburgh in 2011. I shared this call with the leaders at the megachurch I was on staff with and they were excited, encouraging, and empowered me to move in this calling! We began the plant called Aletheia Alliance Church in February of 2012. 

I was turning 28 that year and felt I was on the way to the standard I had set for myself when I was 21. I was driven to achieve this goal. I put everything I had into planting Aletheia. I gave long hours. I spent tons of time with college students. I prepared rock-solid sermons. I started preaching in "Big Church" at the megachurch and people continued to encourage me in my gifting. I even began to get asked to preach and teach at conferences...I mean it was all coming together. 

At this time, my infatuation with Driscoll had begun to wane. I saw flaws in his leadership and began to see how toxic he really was, BUT my goal to be like him never left my heart or desires. 

Planting something is hard work, especially in an environment like a secular college campus. Driscoll made it sound so easy, so simple. Yet, it was nowhere near easy or simple. We saw incremental growth, but it was slow. We saw lives changed, but it wasn't huge numbers like Mars Hill. In 2 years of hard work, in my estimation, we had little to nothing to show for the effort with only 40-50 people coming to church on Sundays. I was turning 30 years old and had a bout of depression that caused a severe identity crisis. 

I didn't want to turn 30 with only one lousy book written and a dinky little church plant. In my mind, by 30, I'd have had a megachurch of my own like Mark Driscoll. I'd be famous with my books and conference speaking and it wasn't my reality. People spoke a destiny like this over me and I was dissatisfied with where I was in ministry and in fame. I became severely depressed but hid it mostly.

Honestly, my wife got the brunt of my identity crisis as I wrestled with my inadequacy and my inability to achieve my ministry dreams. I continued to say to her: "I've not done enough to turn 30.  I've done nothing!" She'd lovingly remind me of all that God has used me to achieve, but to me, back then, I couldn't see it for anything but failure. I was not Mark yet. I've not even come close, so as a man and as a pastor, I was a failure.

This was the toxic message Mark would spout and men like me would own. His was the standard and everyone who fell short of his achievement was a "boy playing with toys" and not a real man or real pastor. I took this as truth to my core and although it drove me, it also tortured me. When my peers would succeed over me or be asked to speak at things instead of me, I felt nothing but derision for them and hatred of myself because I was not yet good enough. I compared myself and felt I was better and deserved the accolades over them, but clearly, people didn't see that because I've still not done enough. I needed to do more and be seen for it!

In the past 6 years, the Lord has done some deep work in me in these areas, and listening to The Rise and Fall of Mars Hill has shown me just how far I've come. 

I share my story because I know it is not unique to many in ministry. Many may still be driven by a false sense of "unmet" standards based on pastors like Mark. I challenge you to STOP living that way and to get the healing you need to no longer walk wounded. See some of my personal takeaways that have helped me move beyond where I was to where I am. We are all always a work in progress, but we can progress!

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TAKEAWAYS FOR HEALTH

1. Recognize how toxic comparison is. It is not bad to read a megachurch pastor's books or listen to their sermons, but when we compare ourselves to them and measure our success based on their standards, we've walked into a toxic comparison. We will never measure up and that's OK. I was depressed for too long in ministry and had an unnecessary identity crisis.

2. Be satisfied with who YOU are in ministry, don't wish to be someone else. God has created you to be you and the people you're called to minister to are ministered to by the person God has created you to be, not the person you're trying to be like. Remember: You are loved and accepted because Christ says so!

3. Stop measuring your value based on a megachurch's "success" standard. Megachurch celebrity pastors love to boast numbers publically. Big pictures on their social media platforms may boast "500 people saved by our church today!" or "95 people baptized!". I know when I saw Mars Hill and other large churches do this, I felt small, insignificant, and useless to the Kingdom. It's not bad for them to celebrate by any means and we should celebrate with them, but we can't measure our value against these stories.

4. Invite the Spirit to bring healing to your soul! Issues of identity and value being wrapped up in your job or your success are not spiritually healthy. Neither our identity in Christ or our value to Him is based on some measure of our vocational success. Christ alone gives us our identity and value. We need Soul Care (pick up a copy of Soul Care by a professor of mine...it is a truly helpful tool!). If you're walking in depression or experiencing an identity crisis...you need the healing only He can bring!

5. Remember: we are all human, so no pastor/teacher is worth idolizing. I allowed my infatuation of Mark to cloud my discernment. A mentor of mine warned me early on about this, but I ignored it. Enjoy the gifts of good teachers, but do not ignore their flaws and do not perpetuate their unhealthy, toxic culture because it is "successful"!

6. Don't let your character be outpaced by your success. The podcast made a statement something along the lines of "His success outpaced his character" and that resonates with me. I honestly believe I never achieved what Driscoll achieved because my character couldn't have handled it. Had I achieved that level of fame and notoriety, I'd have fallen just like (if not worse than) Driscoll, of that I am sure. You give an immature person that much in a short time, they will buckle under its weight. Build into your character before you try to build into your success.

7. Allow the Lord and loved ones to speak truth into your identity and value. Spend time with the Lord alone, truly seeking to hear Him speak words of love over you. Singing "love songs to Jesus" (as Driscoll called it) and allowing him to sing over you in love is not a weak, unChristian, boyish thing to do, in fact, we need Him to sing over us and we need to express our love for Him!  Let the Lord speak truth into you and do not push it away. Also, allow your spouse and close friends in the Lord to speak the truth over you. Let them be used by the Spirit to break down the lies you've built around yourself about your "inadequacy" or failure because you didn't meet the "Driscoll" standard.