I am Afraid I'm Young

I’m young. I’ve been constantly reminded of my age of late and I am young. 25 years of life is what I can tout under my belt and as I’ve been told: “people have socks older than me”. As I’ve been on this journey with God and myself, so far I’ve come to the conclusion that I am young.




I am afraid of being young. I want to be a great thinker. I want to be known and my words to be known. Just putting that down on paper as bold as brass and as arrogant as a peacock in front of his woman proves that I am young. What do I actually have to say that has any value? What can I add to the volumes of great thinkers? What new innovative idea could I really put down that hasn’t yet been put down? The answer, which pains me to say is nothing. I have bits of good things to add to this world, all of which have been graciously given to me by my Father…but I haven’t lived and wrestled with enough to really bring much of anything to the table.



I’m afraid of being young. I want to be respected. I want to be well-liked. I want to be sought out for my opinions. Again, these arrogant statements of the heart prove I am young. I fear in my heart that if I bring nothing to the table for the church now, I will disappear in the mist of obscurity, I fear not doing anything. When you’re young, there’s this fire that pushes you to do bold, crazy, wild things for God…I’m afraid that if I don’t give into this flame, one day it will peter out and I will have added nothing to the world of worth when I die.



I’m afraid of being young. I have read of pastors my age who have started churches and now many years later have been used by God to lead mega-churches…the very same church they started when young. I want to live that way. Balls to the wall (to quote another pastor named Brian Tome) is the way I want to live. It means nothing held back. I’m afraid that I will shrink back if I don’t step up now.



I’m afraid of being young. I fear that I am truly nothing of substance. I am afraid that I don’t matter and that I am not loved. This fear is what drives me sometimes to be known, to be noticed. Today, I had a couple ugly thoughts. One was how I could shovel every ones car out for them being very nice in doing it. Then the ugly inside of me said: “Yea, and then you can call the news station telling them that there is this great young man shoveling everyone’s car out for them and how they should do the story”. My desire was not to help people, but to be noticed helping people.

The other ugly thought was how I need to be apart of a good cause, like helping with the sex trade, or going to Haiti and helping out the orphans, or putting aside a good amount of money to help people in need. My desire wasn’t to help for helpings sake. I felt compelled to do these things because people I look up to are doing them and heck everyone is doing it. Plus, people will look at me as a nice humanitarian type dude. (I do have healthy motives too, God is birthing a desire to get behind a cause, not sure which one yet. I just have to get my motives in-line with his first)



I’m afraid of being young. I hate it when people lecture me or look down on me because of my youth. I hate it because they all have valid reasons to do so…after all I am young. I’ve been struck by these thoughts as of late. I hate feeling unloved. I hate feeling lesser than. I hate not having a valid addition to conversations. I hate…a lot about being young.



I lack the maturity that I need in order to get where God is calling me. I lack the experience, the knowledge and a lifetime of, well, life to get where God wants me to get to. I struggle when God gives me visions for my future because I always try and make it happen. I always expect myself to be “there” and sadly I act as though I am. All of the crap I’ve mentioned in past writings about my struggles is all due to the fact that I lack much. I lack the ability to accept the grace of God. I lack the ability to allow myself and all my faults to be wrapped up in the love of the Father. I feel as though I still need to perform for Him in order to make Him proud…by the way…I HATE that I STILL struggle with this! I know it is a problem within me and each time I make a leap and overcome a hurdle when it pertains to this struggle, I always re-find it somewhere in the recesses of my being needing to be re-ripped out! I am arrogant because it is a façade to cover up my need for praise…rather than it being just pride, it is the child of my fear of rejection. It’s a double whammy that I am constantly trying to kill.



WOW…this is only day one of sitting back and listening. It’s been tough and overwhelming to come back to these waters again…obviously God wants me to understand the gravity of it all.



I’m afraid of being young. Just when I thought I was getting to know stuff and be respectable for my vast array of knowledge, God slams me in the gut with this phrase: “You are young…and that’s OK”.

OUCH...The "Know-it-All"

I've been highlighting my weaknesses lately. It's not because I'm sadistic and love to hurt myself emotionally online or anything...it's because when I write them down, it forces me to deal with them. Not only do I now know they're there, but all of blogosphere knows too and for some reason I feel like my telling my weaknesses makes me accountable some how. It may sound wack a doodledo or something, but to me it makes sense. This blog is yet another run-in with the weak vessel that is me.

I have a tendency to be a know it all...especially when it comes to the Bible. My arrogance is fed by the fact that: I was a Bible quizzer, I went to Bible College, I took Bible classes, I listen to sermons online, I am a pastor, I got ordained, and I read my Bible. This in my tiny pee-sized mind makes me actually think I understand the nuances of the entire Bible.

Yea, I know pretty pathetic, huh? Well, I didn't quite realize how bad it was (it was a TON worse before...sadly) until two people in the same day called me out. The first was my boss, he noticed in a meeting that although I had good things to say, I was the person who had the "I know and I won't listen to your side" type of attitude when discussing a Biblical matter. That made me think a bit...but obviously not enough.

This is the ouch, because the second person was my wife. We were doing our nightly devotions together and she began discussing with me what she's been learning in Bible Study about Esther. Before I contiune let me say this: I have merely read through Esther and know the storyline...that's all.

Hilary began to go deep with what she was learning and I kept saying things like: "yea, I know"; "Oh you learned that, cool, I knew that" and other such STUPID sayings. She stopped talking about Esther and said these harsh (but true words). "Marvin, I guess you wrote the Bible, maybe in a past life or something because I can't tell you anything about the Bible because you act as if you know the whole thing!"

Well, let's just say that was a huge OUCH! I had been hit with the same sin...twice in one day! I was acting as if I was the be all end all with Biblical knowledge, it even affected a GREAT time in which my wife was excitedly sharing with me her heart and what God was teaching her through the Scriptures.

The Holy Spirit immediately convicted me of my sin and I repented to Hilary. I asked her a hard question. I asked: "When did you notice I was getting bad like this again" and she said: "Right after your ordination".

That stung too, because I worked hard for 2 years to get ordained, I took tests, wrote papers and read tons of books and Systematic Theology to earn my "Reverand" title.

However, no matter how hard I worked for it...the title doesn't matter nor does it make me more of a "Biblical genius". I let a good thing make me prideful and cause me to think more highly of myself that I ought...which the Bible says NOT to do (Romans 12:3).

All this to say that my weakness of arrogance has once again cropped up. I am aware that I am nothing without Christ, but I don't always live that way. Lord, forgive me! I hope that the Good Lord sees it in His heart to continue to break me of my pride.

The Stirring

I'm in the midst of a Spiritual Stirring. I know that sounds weird, but there is not other way to describe it...I feel stirred.

Imagine a huge cup of coffee, freshly brewed, dark, thick and delicious. However, something is missing...the creamer. The creamer is meant to be poured in, stirred and helps to take the bitter edge off and gives a cleaner, more flavorfull sip (unless of course you enjoy black and only black coffee). Next in order to ensure full flavor you must then stir the creamer into the coffee so that it then will permeate every portion of blackness inside the coffee cup. Now it's ready to be enjoyed.

I feel like God is stirring me, burning my spirit for something new? different? more? I don't know. I'm not unhappy with life, in fact life is freakin' sweet right now! I'm content, satisfied with my new (now not so new job), totally stoked about my long future here, I love my wife, adore my son and am blown away by God's gracious provision, yet God is saying: "More" to my soul. He is saying: "New" to my heart, and he is saying: "Deeper" to my inmost being.

Ever feel stirred?

God is a master at mystery. God is a great artisan at making us seek Him. Little whispers, the still, small voice, yet soft and quiet. He draws us to Himself, sharing He wants to show us something, then he waits with perfect timing to reveal to us exactly what He's been preparing us to hear.

I have no idea what this "new", "more", "deeper" will be (if it is anything tangible). It could be more desire to study His Word. It could be new gifts He's kept unlocked within me, it could be a deeper understanding of my gifts I already know about...it could be more brokeness. It could be new creativity. It could be deeper desire for Him. It could be new opportunities (like a book deal). It could be more frustration, more pain, more suffering, which would lead to both new and deeper understanding.

It could be many other things, or it could be simply untangible realities that I may never see.

All I know is that he's stirring me like a coffee cup full of new creamer that is swirling and swirling around. I've been tested, challenged and forced to see the junk in my heart. God's been putting me face-to-face with my weaknesses and saying: "Now what will you do with this knowledge I've given you?" That also could be a part of it all.

With God, one can never know for certain what He will do in and through our lives. We can only hand over control to Him and know that he's our "Jehovah Jireh". When He stirs us, I know it is to make us in the long run to taste better.

I'm looking forward to what all of this will mean...or maybe I'm afraid of the implications. OK, if I'm honest, I'm way more scared thatn excited. The end result is what I'm "looking forward to".

Ever been stirred?

Confessions: Lessons on the Road

Hilary and I moved from Nyack, NY in August and have now been here in Pittsburgh for 5 months. I thought it was time to write reflectively on all that God has been showing/teaching/growing me in since our transition into a new position.

I have had a ton of grow moments in my time here, some of which came with my realization of some of my weaknesses (See post: my weaknesses), some of which is challenging me as a husband and as a father. Mostly God has been poking at my heart, deep down getting to the junk I still hadn’t dealt with.

I knew when God called me to leave Nyack he was going to call me into a team scenario, where my voice wouldn’t be the main voice and I wouldn’t be “in charge”. This is the main reason I declined another churches GREAT offer to be their Middle School Pastor…because there I would’ve been “in charge” of the Middle School ministry with oversight from an Executive Pastor and a semi-team scenario with the High School Pastor, but still my voice would’ve been the main voice of advocacy for the Middle School Ministry, and I would be the main leader for that section of ministry. Here at ACAC I am one of 6 people on the Student Ministry staff and each member has say in each aspect of ministry we do…so my voice is not the most prominent, plus one of the 6 is the “Director of Student Ministries” who is my boss and he is “in charge”, not me. When God was laying this on my heart, I knew it was because I had grown arrogant with my “knowledge of youth ministry” and I had grown prideful needing to be in charge of “my ministry”. God saw this unhealthy pattern in me and sought to force my heart away from seeking this for myself.

I’m not saying had I taken the other position I would be this cocky-thick-headed-monster of a youth pastor, but I would not have the same challenges I face in which God desired me to face. Shortly after moving, I was listening to a sermon based off of 1 Timothy and the preacher said: “If you’re not willing to be #2, you will never be successful in ministry. Timothy was willing to be #2 to Paul and God blessed this. When we always strive to be #1 ministry becomes about us and our goals, not God and his goals”.

That quote smacked me in the gut and was God’s way of saying to me: “This is one of the many reasons I brought you here. You need to learn to be #2, or even #6 for my glory Marvin, because MY ministry is about me and my glory not you and yours!”

I know had I not been here in this situation on this team at this moment I would not have been challenged with these facts. The truth is I am an arrogant jerk who needs to work out his junk. I’ve realized more than ever that I am selfish and try to work things out for my own good.

Seeing my boss (who’s been in ministry almost as long as I’ve been alive) do ministry the way he does it challenges me to my core. He is so self-less and knows so much and NEVER have I experienced a “know it all” attitude from him. He’s a ministry “guru” and isn’t stuck up about it. I’m a ministry “noob” and think I know it all…

This realization has also spilled out into my fathering and husband-ing…I realize I am selfish with every aspect of my life! I write this and you may think I have it all together because I can reflect and write this…but it hurts man! Coming to the realization that I am lazy and selfish is not fun. I am still seeking the “why” to all of this, as in where is the root of my selfishness? What do I need God to break out of me in order to change?

I am OK with being #2 (or #6) now but I still don’t know why I am selfish. I no longer want to take the easier road, what can I do that will bring Christ the most glory, not myself nor making it easiest for me, but what will make Him known?

Taking a new job has proved to be both the hardest and best thing for both Hilary and I because of what He’s doing inside of both of us. There are many more lessons I’ve been learning but this road of my journey is the most recent and indeed the hardest yet travelled. Learning to be #6 and learning the reasons for my selfishness. God loves us just the way we are but he loves us too much to leave us that way…there is so much more work he has for me ( a lifetime even) may I always be ready to learn the lessons he has for me!

I Have a 2nd Blog!

You may be asking, why a new blog?

This new and 2nd blog of mine will deal specifically with Youth Ministry as I see, wrestle and deal with it within my Theology as an Emerging Youth Pastor.

Many things need to change within Youth Ministry and I for one hope to be a voice to help the change, rather than a voice of stagnant complacency.

We are few, but strong as Emerging Youth Pastors. We are also a growing breed as new manifestos are written. New conferences spoken about and new classes taught at Universities and Colleges alike. People are realizing that the way Youth Ministry has "always been done" is no longer a working model.

We must adapt, shift and move with this change and here (Emerging Youth Pastor) is where I desire to display how I am shifting and moving within it.

I will hit many bumps, receive many bruises, but I hope to authentically display how I am dealing with this new dichotomy of movement. I will keep and maintain this blog, which is my personal blog. Some ideas and posts will definitely overlap, but the other blog is only about Youth Ministry from here on out. I have imported my blog posts from this blog to that one, because some of the posts are very relevant to that blog, others not so much...However, I didn't want to start out with another "blank" slated blog.

Please stay tuned with me as I transparently share my journey as an Emerging Youth Pastor!